* FOLKS... I'M JUST GONNA EXCERPT ENOUGH SO AS TO GIVE
YOU A "FLAVOR" OF WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH IN THE PERSON OF BARACK
HUSSEIN OBAMA:
Over the past two years, what began as a series of
peaceful protests against the repressive regime of Bashar al-Assad has turned
into a brutal civil war. Over 100,000 people have been killed. Millions have
fled the country. In that time, America has worked with allies to provide
humanitarian support, to help the moderate opposition, and to shape a political
settlement. But I have resisted calls for military action, because we cannot
resolve someone else’s civil war through force, particularly after a decade of
war in Iraq and Afghanistan.
* UH... AH... (*SCRATCHING MY HEAD*)... IS HE TRYING TO
SOUND LIKE CLINTON WITH THE "I RESISTED" vs. "BUT NOW I'M NOT
RESISTING" ATTEMPT A NUANCE?
* MR. PRESIDENT! YOU'VE BEEN PREPARING TO TAKE MILITARY
ACTION AGAINST A NATION WHICH HASN'T ATTACKED US SINCE WHAT... LAST MONTH?!
YOU'VE PROMISED! YOU'VE THREATENED! THE FACT THAT THE RUSSIANS SEEM TO HAVE YOU
IN A SORT OF "CHECKMATE" AT THE MOMENT DOESN'T CHANGE THE REALITY OF
WHAT YOU WERE INTENDING!
* OH... AND AS TO INTERVENING IN "SOMEONE ELSE'S
CIVIL WAR"... HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR LIBYAN ADVENTURE...?!?!
* FOLKS... IS THIS MAN "ALL THERE...?!?!"
The situation profoundly changed, though, on August 21st,
when Assad’s government gassed to death over a thousand people, including
hundreds of children.
* WE DON’T KNOW THIS! FOLKS... SERIOUSLY... WE DON'T KNOW
THIS! (MORE IN FRIDAY'S NEWSBITES.)
In World War I, American GIs were among the many
thousands killed by deadly gas in the trenches of Europe. In World War II, the
Nazis used gas to inflict the horror of the Holocaust. Because these weapons can kill on a mass
scale, with no distinction between soldier and infant...
* YOU MEAN LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERY WEAPON WE USE NOWADAYS
FROM CRUISE MISSILES AND ATTACK DRONES TO THERMOBARIC WEAPONS...?
No one disputes that chemical weapons were used in
Syria.
* NO. BUT WHO USED THEM... THAT'S BEEN DISPUTED!
Moreover, we know the Assad regime was responsible.
* NO. WE DON'T.
When dictators commit atrocities, they depend upon the
world to look the other way until those horrifying pictures fade from memory. But
these things happened. The facts cannot be denied. The question now is what the
United States of America and the international community is prepared to do
about it. Because what happened to those people - to those children - is not
only a violation of international law, it’s also a danger to our security.
* NO... IT'S... NOT!
If we fail to act, the Assad regime will see no reason to
stop using chemical weapons.
* ACTUALLY... DOUBTFUL. I DOUBT ASSAD HAS THE STOMACH -
OR IS STUPID ENOUGH - TO USE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AT THIS POINT!
As the ban against these weapons erodes, other tyrants
will have no reason to think twice about acquiring poison gas, and using
them.
* NONSENSE.
Over time, our troops would again face the prospect of
chemical warfare on the battlefield.
* FIRST OF ALL, OUR TROOPS ARE PREPARED FOR THIS
PROSPECT; SECOND OF ALL, IT WOULD ONLY HAPPEN ONCE. WE WOULD MASSIVELY
RETALIATE. BUT IN ANY CASE... HOW MANY MORE WARS DO YOU PLAN ON GETTING US
INVOLVED IN OVER THE COURSE OF YOUR SECOND TERM THAT OUR TROOPS ARE GOING TO BE
FACING THE PROSPECT OF CHEMICAL WAREFARE ON THE BATTLEFIELD?
And it could be easier for terrorist organizations to
obtain these weapons, and to use them to attack civilians.
* NO. ACTUALLY IT WOULD BE VERY HEARD. (WHICH IS WHY IT
HASN'T HAPPENED!)
If fighting spills beyond Syria’s borders, these weapons
could threaten allies like Turkey, Jordan, and Israel.
* I'VE GOT AN IDEA... LET TURKEY, JORDAN, AND ISRAEL
(WITH ALL THOSE NUCLEAR WEAPONS!) EACH DEFEND THEMSELVES. WE CAN GO IN IF THEY START
LOSING - HOW'S THAT?
And a failure to stand against the use of chemical
weapons would weaken prohibitions against other weapons of mass destruction,
and embolden Assad’s ally, Iran - which must decide whether to ignore
international law by building a nuclear weapon, or to take a more peaceful
path.
* SO... EXACTLY WHEN DO YOU PROPOSE WE NUKE NORTH KOREA,
MR. PRESIDENT...???
[A]fter careful deliberation I determined that it is in
the national security interests of the United States to respond to the Assad
regime’s use of chemical weapons through a targeted military strike.
* AND IF YOU GO THROUGH WITH THIS STRIKE IT'LL BE NOT
ONLY A VIOLATION OF YOUR OATH OF OFFICE TO PRESERVE AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES, BUT IT'LL BE A BREACH OF THE WAR POWERS ACT AND A CLEAR
VIOLATION OF INTERNATIONAL LAW.
The purpose of this strike would be to deter Assad from
using chemical weapons, to degrade his regime’s ability to use them, and to
make clear to the world that we will not tolerate their use.
* BUT NOT TO TOPPLE ASSAD... ASSAD THE CHILD KILLER...?
That's my judgment as Commander-in-Chief.
* TWO POINTS: 1) YOUR JUDGMENT STINKS; FORGET YOUR
"JUDGMENT" AS COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF; THE FACT IS, YOU DON'T HAVE THE
POWER TO EXERCISE SUCH "JUDGMENT" ABSENT CONGRESSIONAL AUTHORIZATION!
* NOWHERE IN THE CONSTITUTION DOES IT AUTHORIZE YOU OR
ANY OTHER PRESIDENT TO UNILATERALLY PLUNGE THIS NATION INTO A WAR ABSENT OUR
BEING ATTACKED OR HAVING CREDIBLE EVIDENCE THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED.
But I’m also the President of the world’s oldest
constitutional democracy.
* WE'RE A REPUBLIC, SIR. (NOTE, FOLKS... HE CAN'T BRING
HIMSELF TO SAY IT!)
* HERE... MR. PRESIDENT... TRY THIS: "I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE
R*E*P*U*B*L*I*C FOR WHICH IT STANDS..."
So even though I possess the authority to order military
strikes...
* NO... YOU... DON'T...! (AND THAT WAS YOUR OWN POSITION
PRIOR TO YOU BECOMING COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF! YOU, SIR, ARE A PHONY HYPOCRITE... A
FRAUD... AN UNPRINCIPLED SCOUNDREL.)
...I believed it was right, in the absence of a direct or
imminent threat to our security, to take this debate to Congress. I believe our
democracy is stronger when the President acts with the support of Congress. And
I believe that America acts more effectively abroad when we stand together. This
is especially true after a decade that put more and more war-making power in
the hands of the President, and more and more burdens on the shoulders of our
troops, while sidelining the people’s representatives from the critical
decisions about when we use force.
* WHAT IS THIS MORON TALKING ABOUT...??? CONGRESS
AUTHORIZED BUSH TO ATTACK AFGHANISTAN AND TO GO INTO IRAQ (WHICH BY THE WAY...
A PREVIOUS CONGRESS - UNDER A PREVIOUS PRESIDENT (NAMED WILLIAM JEFFERSON
CLINTON) - HAD MADE REGIME CHANGE IN IRAQ OFFICIAL U.S. POLICY BACK IN '98 IF
MEMORY SERVES!)
Now, I know that after the terrible toll of Iraq and
Afghanistan, the idea of any military action, no matter how limited, is not
going to be popular. After all, I've
spent four and a half years working to end wars, not to start them.
* BUT... BUT... BUT...
* L*I*B*Y*A...
* Y*E*M*A*N...
(*JUST THROWING MY ARMS OUT WIDE*)
Our troops are out of Iraq.
* BUT OUR "FORCES" AREN'T. THE STATE DEPARTMENT
CONTROLS WHAT AMOUNTS TO A MERCENARY ARMY THERE.
Our troops are coming home from Afghanistan.
* OFTEN IN BODY BAGS. OFTEN AFTER BEING KILLED BY OUR
"ALLIES" THEMSELVES.
And I know Americans want all of us in Washington -
especially me - to concentrate on the task of building our nation here at home:
putting people back to work, educating our kids, growing our middle class.
* YOUR ECONOMIC POLICIES HAVE BEEN DISASTROUS! IF
ANYTHING, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO TO AFGHANISTAN... THE TROOPS SHOULD COME HOME
FROM AFGHANISTAN... AND A RANDOMLY PICKED CPA FROM MINNEAPOLIS COULD BE SWORN
IN AS PRESIDENT TO REPLACE YOU? (SORRY, FOLKS... BUT A MAN CAN DAYDREAM...)
I will not put American boots on the ground in
Syria.
* BUT... BUT... BUT... THE CHILDREN... THE OLD PEOPLE...
I THOUGHT...
(*HEADACHE*)
I will not pursue an open-ended action like Iraq or
Afghanistan. I will not pursue a prolonged air campaign like Libya or Kosovo. This
would be a targeted strike to achieve a clear objective: deterring the use of
chemical weapons, and degrading Assad’s capabilities.
* I... I...
(*JUST SHAKING MY HEAD*)
* WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT, MR. PRESIDENT? YOU'LL BE
SAFE IN YOUR OFFICE!
Others have asked whether it's worth acting if we don’t
take out Assad. As some members of Congress have said, there’s no point in
simply doing a “pinprick” strike in Syria. Let me make something clear: The
United States military doesn’t do pinpricks.
* KINDA SIDE-STEPPED THE QUESTION, THERE, BOYO...
(*SAID USING MY BEST IRISH BROGUE*)
Even a limited strike will send a message to Assad that
no other nation can deliver.
* I'M SURE ISRAEL COULD DELIVER IT. I'M SURE TURKEY COULD
DELIVER IT. CERTAINLY RUSSIA OR CHINA COULD DELIVER IT. (SO, AGAIN... WHAT ARE
YOU BABBLING ABOUT, MR. PRESIDENT...?!?!)
I don't think we should remove another dictator with
force...
* QUESTION: IF ASSAD SOMEHOW "GETS YOU" BEFORE
YOU CAN CARRY THROUGH ON YOUR THREATS TO MAKE WAR ON SYRIA... SHOULD WE MOURN
YOU AND BLAME HIM... OR SHOULD WE JUST... BLAME... YOU...?
Other questions involve the dangers of retaliation. We
don’t dismiss any threats, but the Assad regime does not have the ability to
seriously threaten our military.
* BUT... BUT... BUT... THEY HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS! AND
SUPPOSEDLY THEY DON'T MIND USING THEM! (DIDN'T HE SAY UP ABOVE THAT THEY
WERE... W*E*R*E... A THREAT TO US...??? (SEE: "...what happened to those
people - to those children - is not only a violation of international law, it’s
also a danger to our security.)
* BY THE WAY, FOLKS... DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU THAT TODAY'S
U.S.A. IS ONLY PREPARED TO ATTACK NATIONS WHICH WE DON'T BELIEVE CAN HURT US
BACK? NORTH KOREA... SHE CAN DO AS SHE CHOOSES.)
It’s true that some of Assad’s opponents are
extremists.
* ANTI-WESTERN EXTREMISTS... ANTI-AMERICAN EXTREMISTS...
EVEN AL QAEDA...
But al Qaeda will only draw strength in a more chaotic
Syria if people there see the world doing nothing to prevent innocent civilians
from being gassed to death.
* NO... AL QAEDA WILL DRAW STRENGTH BECAUSE WE'LL BE
ARMING AND TRAINING THEM AND NO DOUBT PROVIDING THEM WITH VAST AMOUNTS OF CASH
UNDER THE TABLE!
Why not leave this to other countries, or seek solutions
short of force? As several people wrote to me, “We should not be the world’s
policeman.”
I agree...
* NO YOU DON'T...!!! IF YOU DID WE WOULDN'T BE TALKING
ABOUT THIS...!!!
...and I have a deeply held preference for peaceful
solutions.
* LIKE... er... PREDATOR DRONES... TARGETED ASSASSINATIONS... THE LIBYA INTERVENTION... YEMEN...
(*THROWING MY ARMS UP IN THE AIR*)
My fellow Americans, for nearly seven decades, the United
States has been the anchor of global security. This has meant doing more than
forging international agreements - it has meant enforcing them.
* WHICH IS THE PURVIEW OF THE UNITED NATIONS... NOT THE
UNITED STATES.
The burdens of leadership are often heavy, but the world
is a better place because we have borne them.
* WHO EXACTLY DO YOU SUPPOSE YOU'RE LEADING...?!?! EVEN
THE BRITS REFUSE TO GO ALONG WITH YOU!
To my friends on the left, I ask you to reconcile your
belief in freedom and dignity for all people with those images of children
writhing in pain, and going still on a cold hospital floor. For sometimes
resolutions and statements of condemnation are simply not enough.
* THOUGH BOOTS ON THE GROUND WOULD BE TOO MUCH...
ACCORDING TO... er... YOU, SIR.
(*SHRUG*)
Indeed, I’d ask every member of Congress, and those of
you watching at home tonight, to view those videos of the attack, and then ask:
What kind of world will we live in if the United States of America sees a
dictator brazenly violate international law with poison gas, and we choose to
look the other way?
* HEY... BARACK... CHALLENGE ASSAD TO A KNIFE FIGHT;
LEAVE THE REST OF US OUT OF IT!
Franklin Roosevelt once said, “Our national determination
to keep free of foreign wars and foreign entanglements cannot prevent us from
feeling deep concern when ideals and principles that we have cherished are
challenged.”
* OBAMA IS TALKING ABOUT THE SAME FRANKLIN DELANO
ROOSEVELT WHO WAITED TILL JAPAN BOMBED PEARL HARBOR AND GERMANY DECLARED WAR ON
US IN SOLIDARITY WITH JAPAN'S ACTIONS TO INVOLVE THE UNITED STATES IN WORLD WAR
TWO... RIGHT?
* SERIOUSLY... FOLKS... OBAMA IS A FRIGGIN' MORON! HE HAS
TO BE TO BRING ROOSEVELT INTO THIS! ROOSEVELT'S POLICY TOWARD TOJO AND HITLER
WERE THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF OBAMA'S CALLS FOR US TO INTERVENE ABSENT BEING
ATTACKED!
Our ideals and principles, as well as our national
security, are at stake in Syria...
* NO THEY'RE NOT!
...along with our leadership...
* HE'S INSANE! SERIOUSLY... HE THINKS HE'S THE LEADER OF
THE WORLD!
* FOLKS... SERIOUSLY... MY GUESS IS THAT THE WORLD HAS
FAR MORE RESPECT FOR VLADIMIR PUTIN THAN FOR BARACK OBAMA. (I KNOW I DO!)
America is not the world’s policeman.
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