Maureen Dowd's column in today's NYT
And imagined meeting between "The Donald" and
"The Speaker."
* * *
Paul Ryan and Donald Trump sit down at Republican
National Committee headquarters on Capitol Hill to hash out a couple little
things, like who is running the party and who is the actual Republican.
“Welcome to Washington, Donald,” Ryan says, shaking hands
with the presumptuous nominee. “Reince says you’re far more gracious in private
than in public and I sure hope that’s true.”
Trump smirks and pulls out his bottle of
industrial-strength sanitizer, squirting a prodigious amount on his hands.
(*GUFFAW*)
Trying to thaw the chill, the House speaker displays his
best ingratiating Irish undertaker air. “Hey,” he says, “thanks for not calling
me Lyin’ Ryan.”
* YEAH... ABOUT THAT...
(*SMIRK*)
“I never use the same adjective twice,” Trump replies
coolly. “As you know, I do have killer instincts. That’s how I knocked out 16
losers. So let’s try a few names for kicks. Pious Paul? Pompous Paul? Phony
Paul? Back-Stabbing, Blindsiding Paul who hung me out to dry to protect his own
presidential ambitions for 2020?”
* I VOTE FOR "PHONY PAUL."
Ryan blanches, protesting: “No, no, I just want us to
come together with a positive vision.”
“I am positive,” Trump says, manspreading as party aides
cower in the corners. “I’m positive that what you did was terrible. You’re just
giving cover to more traitors, like that reject Lindsey Graham, who I beat like
a toy drum. Now Nasty Lindsey’s on TV spewing hate and saying my convention
should be held in Area 51. The only number he needs to remember is zero — the
number of votes he got.”
Ryan puts on his best altar-boy demeanor, which annoys
Trump.
“Look at that face!” the billionaire mocks. “Or should I
say two? Two-Faced Paul."
* OOOH! I LIKE THAT ONE!
The Donald continued, "You’re just mad because you
and Mitt wanted to lead white male America and instead I’m going to. Romney
choked. And what about that time you lied about how fast you ran a marathon?
Cheatin’ Ryan. A choker and a cheater.”
* I'D SAY "SCUMBAG" PRETTY MUCH COVERS IT.
“Now Donald, be reasonable,” Ryan says. “I’m just trying
to figure out how to endorse you and not put my own majority at risk. We can’t
be a bigoted, angry party. You just make our problem with Hispanics worse when
you tweet a picture of yourself eating a taco bowl on Cinco de Mayo.”
“No way, José,” Trump says. “That got 80,000 re-tweets
and 100,000 likes. Muy bueno. I have eight million Twitter followers. You have,
like, one million and need two accounts to get there.”
(*CHUCKLE*)
Ryan rolls his eyes. “Thousands of those re-tweets were
by people you offended,” he says. “You can’t judge everything by numbers. We
have to maintain American values. Banning Muslims is not what we stand for. Try
to be more like Reagan.”
“Fine,” Trump shoots back. “I’ll start my campaign in
Mississippi Klan territory like Reagan. You Establishment guys are such
phonies. You wanna use race as a wedge issue but be subtle about it. I AM NOT
SUBTLE. I have brought millions of people into the party and you have been
unbelievably unfair to me. I am the greatest political phenomenon in history.”
* GO, DONALD, GO!
“Donald, you need to rein it in,” Ryan persists. “Your
volatility scares people. Everyone is shuddering at the thought that you are
about to get classified intelligence briefings and at your bromance with Putin.
No one believes that you’re a genuine conservative. You support Planned
Parenthood, raising the minimum wage and some higher taxes on the wealthy, our
people. You’re Bernie Sanders with even weirder hair.”
“Well, Two-Face,” Trump retorts, “if you’re such a
big-deal conservative, why did you push for that budget increasing spending by
billions, funding Obama’s executive amnesty program, relocation of terrorist
refugees and sanctuaries cities — but somehow no money for the border fence?
You’re a white Obama. Bad! Sad!! The nuns said your budgets were so mean and
un-Christian they wanted to beat erasers around your head.”
* I'D LOVE TO BEAT RYAN TO A BLOODY PULP...
* SORRY... JUST THINKING OUT LOUD...
(*WINK*)
“Donald, the party is off the rails,” Ryan says.
“Ordinarily, people who hate each other always pretend not to once the
nomination has been clinched. Jeez, the Bushes are boycotting your convention.”
Trump harrumphs. “Well, I have Four-Eyes Rick Perry doing
a groveling about-face to support me. Who wants the Bushes, that pathetic
dynasty? Sour grapes because I called out Dubya on his horrible war and Jeb on
his terrible campaign. No low energy in Cleveland! My convention is going to
rock with celebrities and hot women. We’re going to have Mike Tyson and that
tiger. We’re going to have Bobby Knight and Miss Aruba M.C.-ing. We might even
have a beauty pageant with Gary Busey judging. Carly won’t be in it. But your
wife...”
Ryan interrupts quickly, “Donald, you have to stop
insulting women. You’re starting to make Todd Akin sound like Lena Dunham.”
“Women love me!” Trump objects. “Didn’t you see that
famous New York Post headline quoting Marla, my second wife, saying, ‘Best Sex
I’ve Ever Had’? I love the women who vote for me — even the poorly educated,
flat-chested ones.”
(*TWO THUMBS UP*)
* OH... COM'ON... IT'S FUNNY!
(*GIVING DOWD CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE*)
Ryan, beaten down and late for his P90X workout in the
House gym, gives it one last shot.
“Donald, you need to stop quoting The National Enquirer
and do some homework,” he pleads. “You can’t suggest we are going to slough off
our debt, even though that’s what you did with your creditors when you kept
going bankrupt. And you should remember that I’m the senior elected Republican
in the country.”
“For now,” Trump murmurs, taking out his hair spray for a
spritz before he walks past the press octopus. “What I will remember is that
you sabotaged me when I should have been savoring my success. And you should
remember the No. 1 rule from “The Art of the Deal”: There can be only one No.
1, Two-Face.”
(*STANDING OVATION*)
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